I was challenged today to rethink, whether I perceive things through a filter of justice or a filter of grace.  It is difficult for me to say.  There is a lot that I see in terms of grace and bestowing others with a chance to redeem themselves.  Also, I will often let things slide and carry on if the only person that an action affects is me.  However, I do see the encroaching possibility of choosing to focus on the injustice of actions, versus the opportunity of grace.

I have sensed the importance of Christian advocacy for quite some time now, and have noticed a strong lack of it within the evangelical tradition.  It seems that evangelicals are quick to apply personal grace to social matters, and therefore forget obligations that we should be holding as the present incarnation of the Body of Christ.  While it is true that bearing the image of Christ should prompt us to rejoice in suffering, to serve submissively, and to turn the other cheek when spurned, is it not also true that part of bearing the image is to serve as an advocate for those who are weak and timid, and for those whom God has made us responsible.  In 1940’s Germany should the Church have practiced social grace or social justice?

Still, living a life where one focuses on justice and injustice can breed a vindictive spirit in one’s heart.  This is not something that I would like to see cultivated in my life, nor anyone else’s.  A spirit of vindictiveness is often what separates the proud from the humble, and give way to tremendous amounts of hypocrisy, by blinding men from the planks in their eyes as they search for splinters in the eyes of others.  Living a life of perverted justice versus the grace of Christ is what distinguishes a Valjean from a Javert.

The tension for me is quite taught, and most likely will be throughout my life.  Still, I am glad that a tension remains, and the challenge perhaps served to counter balance me from falling off one side of the tightrope.

Summers never seem to go well for me.  It is one of the great ironies of my life; I look to each summer as a new and exciting adventure, and have these dreams that it will be such a better summer than previous ones, and yet each summer becomes a trial to endure, rather than a sabbatical.

I do not mean to imply that my summers are sad and tragic; it is just that the growth and development that enters my life during those times comes through a great deal of frustration and pain.

The series of events this summer have forced me to really look inside and make me question my values and to be honest, I am fighting a war against complete and utter apathy as a course of life to defend me from some of the disappointments I am constantly encountering.  I know that that would be a horrible way to live, and untrue to my faith, but in the very spirit of this apathy, I can hardly say that I care.

I am at one of those odd junctions at which I want to want, but still don’t want.  If that seems confusing, then I apologize.  It is hard to describe these periods in life where you want to be different from what you are, but clearly do not want in with a strong enough passion to do something about it.

Sometimes I wonder if I ought to be moving just for the sake of it.  If the soul can suffer atrophy in the same way that muscles can, then I would assume that there is worth to this notion.  However, I fear that moving in a direction as an alternative to standing still can have unfortunate consequences, and that the moving about might make it harder for me to pinpoint the problem.

Mostly, I think it is my reluctance to run away.  Running towards something or someone is something I can respect.  However, running away never seems to be anything more than a short term fix.  It is a step up from denial, but still miles a way from a solution.

Perhaps this is an exercise in transparency.  Or perhaps it is just a request for prayer.  All the same, I hope that your summer was better than mine.

Transitions can be difficult to cope with, especially when life is so full of them.  Often I find myself in some form of transition or another, and in some ways I think that perhaps I always will.  Life is motion, I suppose, but the current velocity has been rough for me to bear.  Then again, perhaps I just have motion sickness.

Moving out on my own and attempting to gain independence has had its difficulties.  Finding myself unexpectedly unemployed due to the breakdown of a piece of plastic and circuitry did not help the situation either.  Worst of all, without my camera, I have been unable to express and release myself in the way I have grown accustomed to.  The irony of it all is that over the past year I had hardly been able to shoot photos freely do to a lack of time.  Now I have had all the time in the world, and virtually nothing to do to fill it with.

Relationships are always changing, as well as the way people see me.  Perception is a funny thing.  It seems impossible to see someone else as who they really are.  Likewise it also seems impossible to fully understand how I am really seen by others.  The question that I still have yet to come to terms with is whether I really want people to see me as I really am and in my entirety?  If there was any guarantee that people would accept me as I am, I guess it would not be so difficult, but who can offer such a promise?

However in the midst of these transitions and uncertainties I am discovering a little bit more about myself and where I am in relationship to God and His creation.  I wish that I was more mature than I am, and yet I am thankful that I am better of than I have been in the past.  Mostly I am grateful that in the midst of all these changes and transitions that one thing that stays the same is God’s faithfulness, and his acceptance.  The latter is truly amazing seeing as He is really the only one that does and ever will know me in the most intimate sense.